Semenjak dua menjak ini aku kerap balik ke rumah mama. Sanggup naik turun bus dan train. Seronok sebenarnya bila dpt naik public transport dan dpt tgk gelagat manusia yang pelbagai. Walaupun tak de apa sangat yang dapat aku bantu bila pulang sekadar 2 hari 2 malam tu dan hati meronta2 rindu kan Cinta setiap kalinya, but I hope this will ease everything that happens lately...
Yesterday, on our way back from an open hse in Daman*sara, mama told me, she knew everything. I just paused... than I said to her, whats next? If she really knew, whats the point of knowing it? She paused. -----> Complicated hey?! I just don't want this know-knew things get worse, besides its not worth to explain things to people that wear different shoes. Not worth at all!
Sis just keep quiet while driving beside me. With my princess sleeping soundly on my lap, I just can't bare to cry anymore.
I experienced changes towards my feeling yesterday. Something like so call Courage. Feeling like "I don't care if mama knew or not. I just don't give a damn, not like that fucking 13 years back. I am not afraid of being who I am anymore"
Mama starts telling me things to make me doubt about our relationship (me-cinta). Mama speaks about what if I'm gonna loose things and my life. I just sit and watch the traffic in front of me. Trying to gather myself while that doubt still lingering in my brain. I tried my very best not to voice out and be labeled as anak derhaka. Silent all the way until we reached TBs. I changed my open hse attire to something more comfy for a night bus. We had coffee together, and mama acted like nothing happened. I kissed her hand, cheek and fore head like I always do. Wave my hand to her, sis and princess and I am off their sight in seconds. I miss my prince for he is not there to send me off. But its ok...he knew I love him as much as he loves me.
Soon after I text Cinta that I am on the bus, she called me. We just talk and updating each other doings and then I asked her...What if.....and will you? Her answers totally vanished all those doubts. Even though it is easy to say than do, but I knew her for 13 years and I am ready to take that risk.
Nobody know what will the future brings, but have faith :)
2 comments:
I hope all will be well for you.
and you too, zhu :)
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